Unwanted

I wish I loved myself...

I wish somebody would love me back...

I wish I was special to somebody...

I wish I was wanted...

I wish I could forget...

I wish I could move on...

I'm depressed...

Change...

I want to change...

I need to change...

I am trying to change...

I am being forced to change...

I feel soo lonely, soo empty, and tired...

Soo much anger, soo much hurt, soo much sadness, soo much regret all boiled up inside of me...

Why can't I just stop loving her?...

Why do I always have to care soo much for people?...

Why do I always give a damn?...

Why the fuck do I always have to be the nice guy?...

Why am I always the one the gets screwed over?...

What is the fucking point of me being in this god damn forsaking fucking world?...

The world I live in is filled with unappreciative people, backstabbing people, dishonest people, unfaithful people, fake people, and people that fucking take advantage of me....

I've lost the ability to trust anybody, and I've lost all motivation to believe in love, and most disappointing thing is I've lost faith in God...

Fuck karma, there's no such thing as karma, I've always lived my life trying to be a good person, a caring person, a loving person, a good friend, and look what happens to me, i get fucked over by the people i care for most. The undeserving bad people always get what they want in the end, soo fuck karma, fuck you karma....what the fuck have i done to deserve this shit...

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

I've had it with life...

I'm just not going to give a shit anymore...

Emo it is....

Failure...

Today, my mom called me a disappointment...

....

...........

I can't agree with her more...

Whatever I do, who ever the people I associate myself with, it always ends in disappointment...

I am a disappointment...



...

Villian

Fuck my life...

The world I live in is a very cruel place. There are too many cruel people in this world. People take advantage of me. Selfish people use me for their own benefits. People I thought were my friends abandons me. People I trusted stabs me in the back. People I ever loved crushes my heart. People I care about do not appreciate me.

I am always the nice guy, the friends that people can always count on, the boyfriend that will always be honest, faithful and give his heart out. A person that always goes out of his way to help somebody that means a lot.

I look back and I truly believe I was a good person, and not a bad person. Then I ask myself, if I am not a bad person, then why the hell do bad things keep happening to me? Why am I the person that has to suffer? Why am I the only person that has to lose everything? It is not fair at all. I honest to god do not deserve this. I have always wanted to believe in karma, but karma has failed me. The bad people always wins, they always get what they want in the end. The bad people are allowed to destroy as many lives as they can and their actions go unpunished.

Soo i ask myself, why should i still be the nice guy? Why the fuck should I still give a damn about anybody? Why should I care? What is the point? What is the reason? In the end I'm always going to be the one that gets screwed over, I'm always going to be the one that gets hurt.

I have no more motivation or intentions to be a good person anymore. It is not worth it. This world, the people that inhabits it do not deserve my kindness. Soo fuck them!

Fuck my life... It is my turn to be a bad person, a villian, because nice guys always do finish last.





...

Helpless...

What am I suppose to do...

when I can't be with the girl that I love...

how else am I suppose to feel knowing that she is with another man...

hurts soo much knowing she's letting another man touch her the way that only I used to be able to do...

how am I suppose to be happy when I lost my best friend...

nobody cares about me...

nobody loves me...

I did my best to be a good boyfriend....
I did my best to be a friend....
I gave my heart out....
I was a nice person...a good person...

and that is how life repays me...

Fuck karma....

Karma does not exists....

I'm always the nice guy....and nice guys always finish last.....

while the bad people always get what they want...

fuck my life...i hate my life....

I don't deserve this shit...

world is cruel to me....people are cruel to me....

it's not fair...


...

Failure...

I've become a failure in life...

I fail at everything or everything fails me...

When it comes to people, it's always the people that i care about most that fails me...
It saddens me and it hurts a lot when you've put soo much effort, soo much time, soo much care and love for the person, but too only have that person stab you in the back...

Duffily crushed my heart....til this day I don't understand why things had to happen the way it did, I guess things were too good to be true, but it was cruel and unfair how I had to suffer the past 3 years...she actually had me fooled and I actually thought she did care or love me back....

And now I fear I lost JB as well...even after all I've done for her, sigh..., it's the principal, we shouldn't be friends if you are not going to stand up for me or appreciate my help...It does hurt, and saddens me, cause i thought we were tight....i thought we were like brothers and sisters....

My mom has been stressing me out like hell, to the point where I don't care anymore...

Why should i care anymore, why should i care about anybody or anything?....I either fail or they fails me....

Hurts the most when its the people I care about soo much that fails me...

I just want a hug, I have nobody to talk too anymore, Jmack is always busy now with UBC stuff, I'm too embarrassed to tell C my problems, Hung already has too much of his problems, Duffily pushed me out of her life, and JB isn't even being a friend...

Nov. 4th, I hope I don't fail that day, If I pass, then I'll get to leave Vancouver, and possibly forever. I hope I pass, I'm done with the people here, I want to go away and start a new life....a life where i don't have to hate myself...

I hope I don't fail this one last task....


...

Sad

I just want a hug...

I really need one...


...

I'm not a bad person...

a friend repeatedly kept asking me....

"Why do you love her soo much? Why do you care about her soo much? All she has ever done for you was lie to you, cheat on you, use you, make you depressed, and crush your heart. She is cruel and she is an unmoral person. No good moral person on earth would even ever come close to do what she did to you. It is impossible for somebody to be soo cruel to the person that loves him or her soo much. She is nothing but trouble for you, she crushed your heart, toyed with you for 3 years, and completely destroyed you and your way of life. She doesn't care about you at all, she only care's about herself, she is selfish, and she's nothing more then a slut now. Think about how many guys she's been with since you?, how many guys has she made out with? how easy and fast was it for her to sleep with that guy? I bet you can not even think of one single female friend you have that has made out with more guys then her. Fuck her, you deserve soo much better, you deserve somebody that will love you back, care about you, be honest, be faithfull.
She does not deserve your love, care, or friendship. It's her fucking loss. Please move on, and just get her out of your life, all she's doing is continue to destroy you... You deserve sooo much more.... You are a good moral man.....you don't deserve this shit..."



After long period of silence, I finally replied....


"You are right.... I do deserve better..."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just can't believe it came to the point where C had to tell me all this....
I didn't even think she knew about my situation with her...
Atleast C cares about me....

C is right, it's pointless to try to continue to keep something that was never really there.....

I do regret ever becoming close with her, all the pain and suffering was not worth the two good years we had....

But I'm not going to lie, I'l miss her dearly, and I'l probably still always think about her everyday from time to time, wonder how she's doing, how her life is, wonder if she's gotten prettier or just hope she is happy...

I'l miss our weird fights, miss hugging her, touching her, cuddling with her, putting up with her outrageous crap, her one sided wrestling matches, her making retarded funny jokes and comments when she doesn't even mean too be funny, and I'l miss her unique personality that gives her this unique cute sense of quirkiness that i love about her.

She will always be special to me, the one that got away....

I hope she'l be happy in life, and i do wish her the best, I hope she can learn from her mistakes, learn from what she's done to me in the past and let that help change her and become a good person again...

I hope one day, she'l realizes and appreciates the love i have for her...

I love her with all my heart, always have and always will...

You are beautiful and you are unique...

I just wished we could have done something special together one last time...



...

Never an Apology...

As I expected from her...

No apology, no sorry...

No guilt, no reasoning...

No love, no care...

Damn her stubborn pride...

Damn her thirst for new men...

Damn her cruelty towards me...



...

Hard Lesson..

I've learned my lesson the hard way...

I will never ever love another girl more then she loves me...

in fact, I never ever want to fall in love again...



...

No More Loving...

Just one last time,
...I want to see your face,
to feel your embrace.
Just one last time,
...I want to hear your voice,
to feel all rejoice.
Just one last time,
...To say I love you,
and that it was always true.
Just one last time,
...To be around you,
but now my heart's in two.
Just one last time,
...For you I'll cry,
I will always regret saying goodbye...

I will never let myself fall in love again...
its not worth it...

which is why you'll always be special...



...

My Life...

fuck my life with all my heart....






...